Making Decisions Easier, Maybe
Why is asking for what we want so hard?
You might think, “It’s not hard at all.” But is that really true?
I find that what I ask for is quite vague in the big scheme of things. It is as if I am purposely leaving my options open, just in case.
I mean specifically asking for what you want, down to every detail. And I am not talking about being a “Karen” and demanding what you want from someone who isn’t willing or able to give it to you. (That is a totally different problem.) I mean choosing something for you and only you, without settling.
But settling today implies lack of….
We have been conditioned to believe that if it isn’t perfect, everything else seems like “settling” and we are getting the second-place trophy. Yay, I almost got what I wanted.
Being stuck in that mindset is kind of sad. Worse yet, we don’t practice being specific, so when we face a decision, we often revert to doing nothing at all. We keep scrolling, searching for “the one” and disguising it as research, while we eat cheese and crackers for dinner. Oh, I am so guilty of this.
And yes, I am blaming our overconsumption of possibilities. We live in a world where we are told everything is possible, and yet most of us feel like we’re living in a state of lack.
I have dreams just like the rest, ranging from small to massive, pie-in-the-sky. And yes, I’ve fallen into the mindset of “I need outside help to get those laddish dreams,” so I have turned to motivational speakers and coaches to guide me in setting goals and achieving them. We have been told all you need is a plan and perseverance...
And a couple of thousand dollars to get what you want. Been there, done that.
But I am starting to think the fundamental principle and practice of getting what you want is missing a component in the equation. Given how many possibilities we have to access, we have inadvertently taken ourselves out of the process. (What I mean by “ourselves” is what we feel, that gut feeling.)
We have been told we only have one life and we should make the most of it. But that creates a lot of pressure to do it right the first time because we are never going to pass along this place again. Frankly, we are stuck in an exterior, linear, all-or-nothing mindset.
If the problem is that we feel we are lacking and paralyzed to make the right decision, is there ever a solution? First of all, here are two jagged little pills: 1. Perfect doesn’t exist. 2. We are never going to experience everything the world has to offer.
Okay, but I don’t want to settle….
The word “settle” has been elevated to become a swear word in our society, taught to us at a very young age. Think about a child who really wanted a bike for their birthday but got socks instead. Makes me sad just thinking about it.
Maybe the word “settle” isn’t the problem, but the preposition paired with it. We are all caught up in the “settling for” and “settling on,” instead of the “settling down” and “settling in.” What if we….
Stop thinking: Settle for/on: Is to accept something less than you wanted. And start thinking: Settle down/in means living a quiet, steady life where we can be comfortable. (Thank you, Google AI, for the breakdown.)
Wow, that feels like a pretty dramatic shift in thinking.
Let’s work with the decision we all face: what to eat for dinner.
Your “Sunday shopping you” thinks, I’ll buy fixings for a big cobb salad this week, but your “7 pm tired self” has had a long day, and the last thing you want to do is to prep a meal that satisfies and is nutritious; it seems too difficult.
You are hungry and tired; damn it, all you want to do is eat something and relax. You know what your two options are; both will be satisfying, but one will make you feel like shit at bedtime. You open the fridge and see the salad mixings, but the block of cheese sits right next to it, calling your name.
Could we, in that moment, stop and ask two questions:
Am I going to settle on/for a cheese-and-cracker dinner instead of salad?
What will it feel like if I settle in/down for the evening, the salad or crackers?
I am not saying you will magically choose one over the other, but over time, could choosing the “settling in/down” option, but could changing the preposition in your question, or at least adding “in and down” to the conversation, change the mindset?
“I am having a hard time deciding on having salad or crackers for dinner. I don’t feel like cutting all the veggies. But I want to settle down and settle into a quiet evening.”
And I would add the result you really want:
“I want to go to bed feeling good about the dinner choice I made for myself.”
Do you notice a shift in perspectives? It actually did make a big difference. Notice that eating the perfect meal doesn’t even come into the discussion. Focusing on how you feel after the decision is more helpful; maybe it might make the process easier.
I am not saying, “change your preposition, change your life.”
That’s shit you read on bummerstickers. It all seems very “woo woo new agey” and “outdated Napoleon Hill’s theory” at the same time, especially for huge life-changing decisions. But if you could stop overthinking the small stuff, maybe you can reach conclusions faster and get to the goal of settling in/down, which is what you really want.
Stop taking yourself and your feelings out of the decision-making equation. Start changing the preposition with small decisions and build that muscle before you have to make a monumental one.
Oh, and yeah, eat the salad.
